9/30/08 old post

I am feeling bummed this week… Think it’s the realization that I am that much closer to turning 31… I just want to scream “happy fucking birthday” to myself right now… still have a few days to go though… Sorry I just have to get this out… You know I blog about everything happy and sad.

This just is sooo NOT where I thought I would be at almost 31. Its just hitting me really hard. I realize that I have like 1 friend here in town and a bunch out of town – and that makes me really sad. I almost wish I were back in Scottsdale now, but Scott is back there and that would just add to my sadness!!! Going from April to August with only 1 friend who even called made me realize I don’t have the friends I thought I did, maybe I never did. I used to have soo many friends I knew I could depend on through anything, but to have gone through almost 6 months of the worst Hell of my life and have 1 friend there really hurt, still hurts. Being the life of the party for so many years is kind of backfiring now – I never didn’t have a ton a friends.

Its really hitting as I am getting closer to my birthday and only having my family to celebrate it with. I don’t have a husband to celebrate with anymore (like I have the past couple of years) – I used to love just having him to go out with, it didn’t hurt to not have a bunch of friends to celebrate with. Gone are the days when I had soo many people to go out to dinner with for my birthday every year… We used to all have so much fun – and yet now I am sooo freaking alone!

Maybe that’s just it – maybe not being married on this birthday is really hitting me hard. I hate not being able to get over this – but my heart is still soo absolutely sad and devastated. Its like I feel I am doing soo good and then wham things like this come around and bring back the happy memories of being married.

I know I have come a long way and I totally pull it off that I am just fine – but sometimes I am not. I almost wish he had cheated on me or yelled at me or hit me – anything to make it easier to move on from him….

I just feel like I should be married with kids by now… Hell most of my friends have multiple kids who are older by now and I am stuck back at dating again… I told a friend yesterday I feel like Marissa Tomei’s character on My Cousin Vinny “My biological clock is ticking like this.” I mean seriously everyone knows how much I love kids – I have practically raised a lot of them already and am really, really good at it. I just wonder will it ever be my time… will I ever get the chance to raise a family? I know I am a total dork, but having a family is the one thing I look forward to the most.

On a positive note, I have now been between .2 and .4 lbs away from the 20 pound weight loss goal before I can have my surgery. I go in to see my dietician tomorrow so hopefully we can start the process of setting a date. This has been a huge accomplishment for me, and I am feeling soo much better energy wise. We have a new client coming on mid Oct so I am not sure if I can have the surgery before then. If not it will be end Oct probably. Either way I will be happy! Just wish I could keep all that money 
Spent Saturday with my sisters in-laws watching the game! I got to play with her twin nieces who were sooo absolutely adorable! I had a blast – her in-laws have always been soo much fun! The twins were hysterical and had soooo much energy. They have like white blonde hair and bright blues are so cute with their little laughs.

I am looking forward to Sarah’s sister, Rachel’s wedding this weekend! Should be a lot of fun! Plus I get to see Sarah again – YAY!!

Oh ya and all the political articles about Palin being from a small town, etc… really gets me sad since I was from a small town – so seriously just back off and quit trying to me it sound like because I am from Oklahoma I am lesser than those of you in other states… I know my economics, I know my morals and I know what I want from a President just as each and every American should, and has the right to. Just because I am for McCain/Palin does not make me stupid and I don’t appreciate being told so by soooooo many people. I believe what I believe, BUT I always BELIEVE EVERY AMERICAN HAS THE RIGHT TO DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES. Don’t send another story from the Wall Street Journal and say its unbiased – HELLO people where have you been? That’s like saying something from The Daily Oklahoman isn’t biased conservatively!

I am happy for anyone who understands what they believe in and why – as long as you make a decision and go vote! Please just lay off the name calling cuz this has been a really shitty week for me and I really cant take one more personal insult because its just building up in me and I don’t need that! I am asking nicely, thank you!