This was a huge step for me to let go off Gram her memory still haunts me. Think I had her as my stable ground for long that when she passed it was like a table whose legs collapsed. I haven’t been the same since no matter all the happy in my life – because I still didn’t have her to share in all the happiness. I don’t handle death well – I get angry with the world that my loved one was taken from me. But Gram was special – we had this unbreakable bond I can’t explain.
When she visited me for 3 weeks in Mexico when I lived there we travled to a town with cobblestone stones and amazing plazas and cathedrals. She was unreligious yet she walked in 1 and let out a gasp of a cry and said this beauty just brings her to tears. Even though she had been so sick b 4 she came we walked from 8am to 8pm and had the time of our lives – I’m sure the sangrias and tequila helped us along.
We bonded so much then. She had traveled the entire world and ben to almost every country. I just wanted to suck all that info out of her brain as I knew I would never see those places ever in my lifetime. She loved that I cared enough to sit there and visit her almost every weekend forever. I loved her so deeply and loved how much she wanted to share with me about her entire life esp with my Papa. I loved just listening to her for hours. I have missed this!!
She had moved from a 7000sqft house to 1000sqft house and had built about 1000 sqft shed to put all the excess stuff from her old house. We had all attempted at dif’t times to organize it and get rid of stuff but had been impossible. Now we have to because my aunt is selling it. We took soo much amazingly beautiful furniture home with us and so many paintings and books but really really old and new. I got tons of clothes, a bunch of hats from my great grandma., sewing stuff, fabric, about one million slides I am taking charge of converting to cd of all my grandparents’ trips world wide. We have boxes of them I don’t know how to begin.
Whats great is I was able to let go – it was something I needed more than anything in my life. It had been holding me back for so long. It helps to have so much of her with us now. But leaving was so much easier than getting there. May have to come back because there is soo much more stuff but I am finally ok!
My aunt loves Scott soo much and we love David just as much, although Scott kept trying to call him Judge and David kept correcting him that unless your in my courtroom I am David. Kinda weird that now his kids that I grew up with are my step cousins. Had the best lunch at Ponders and everyone I knew was there so I felt so at home – needed that feeling again as Gram and I always went there!
Coming home in the Uhaul we made our way to the top of Turner Falls and took lots of silly pics! We screamed to the oldies the whole way home and laughed our sore asses off. Then we got home & had to unload. It was emotional separating the stuff for my parents. Seeing all my Papa’s things that meant soo much to my dad – all the things we got were so emotional to us all. It made me feel good to see my parents so happy! We were cramping soo hard after moving all the furniture we could barely move but in the end it was a great day – one of the bestest ever!
RESPONSE:that was beautiful thank you! I remember when your dad died and thinking I can't imagine what you were going through, it broke my heart so much & I hadnt talked to you in so long I felt weird calling when your whole life was falling apart! It was just too tragic and had to be soo hard! BUt your right - you will always have your memories as long as you live... things come and go but being able to remember the good times is what is truly important.
At the funeral they read her will and I said I didn't care what I got because noone can take away all my memories with her, thats something that goes beyond death and can bring the biggest smile to my face. Of course I got very drunk in order to give her eulogy but I am told it turned out to be very beautiful so I am glad my grieving didnt affect her memory - I think I smoked in her backyard during the entire after party because I cound't handle seeing everyone and talking about it - glasses of wine and cigarettes did a lot to manage my depression and try to cover how bad off I really was - I think thats why I smoked like 2 packs a day for soooo many years - it was my crutch where I didnt have to think about anything.
I am very lucky that I did get alot of heirlooms I never expected to get and this weekend we got a bunch of furniture that will bring even more memories into this house. But I'm finally able to deal with what happened and never thought I could do that. Of course at the funeral there was family drama of who got what, because I did get alot but I was her closest confidant, but I just screamed ya know what I spent the time to come down here every weekend to spend time with her and none of yall gave a damn but if you are really that mad about it all take all my stuff because I will always have those memories and you never will... noone can take that from me - I could give a damn about stuff I would give anything to have her still be alive!!
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The heartache was just bringing me down so much I couldn't move on in certain ways. Leaving her house this weekend was like this physical symbol of being able to let her go, I didn't even notice how it would be the last time I saw her bedroom, etc... We just worked and laughed and had fun.
My moms dad died when she was 16 and to this day she still hasn't been able to deal with it I think its affected soo much of who she is today and has prevented her from from being the woman she was meant to be. She still holds such hostile feelings because it was soo horrible and they literally had nothing even before he died, but I doubt her dad would have ever wanted her life to have been affected this much, he would have wanted his lil girl to live a rich life.
So now we are taking all this furniture and painting it to put in what will be a nursery one day. We are putting our mark on her stuff life a meshing together of two families! We are soo excited to be able to pass on such great furniture to what will be our children... already have my dad's chest of drawers from when he was a baby...
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